Enough with those 'surprise adoption' videos, please
As you may or may not know, I cut my teeth in the therapy world working with adoptive families and adoptees, as well as children in foster care. I feel so fortunate that this was where my training took place. The crux of what I believe about the complicated emotions, expectation, and hope come from working with these families—and more specifically from the wisdom of adoptees.
Our society tends to gravitate towards simple, feel good stories. We desire black and white clarity, the satisfaction of a clear and uncomplicated narrative—and for whatever reason, that desire has found a real sweet spot in adoption stories. The simple version of the story is that there is a child who needs parents and parents who need a child and when they come together, it is joy incarnate. And to some extent, that can be quite true. Watching families come together through adoption has been one of the most joyful experiences I’ve ever had. And it is also one aspect of a complicated and nuanced story.
Providing a space for adoptees to process emotions about their experiences has shown me what can be lost when forcing an uncomplicated narrative on a complicated experience. Many adoptees feel pressure to adhere to the positive narrative that is expected of them. However, when the limits of this imposed narrative are lifted, there is a wide sea of wisdom available to learn from. Here are some things I’ve learned from adoptees I’ve worked with:
· It is possible to both love your life and wish it were different
· It is possible to miss someone you’ve never met. It is possible to miss them deeply, every day of your life.
· It’s possible to not care very much about your adoption at all.
· It is possible to love your parents exactly as they are, and also wish their skin color matched yours.
· Some adoptees love being adopted. Some adoptees hate being adopted. Lots of people fall somewhere in between. Sometimes it changes every day.
· In closed adoption (no knowledge about or contact with birth family), the question of whether or not an adoptee will search for birth parents, especially later in life is scary, overwhelming and often exhausting. It’s also very personal.
· One of the most helpful things that friends, family, and therapists can do for adoptees is allow space for the complicated, often contradictory thoughts and feelings around the adoption experience. We often feel the need to try and ‘fix’ the pain someone is expressing. It’s our job to hold our seat and bear witness. There is nothing to fix. We all come as we are.
Which brings me to these damn videos. Perhaps you’ve seen them—they often show school age children being told that they are being adopted from foster care. There’s one where Mickey Mouse presents adoption papers to a 7 year old at Disney World. When presented with the information that they will be adopted, this child—this tiny human being that has spent time in the foster care system and been through countless traumas in their young lives—typically bursts in to tears. As the viewer, we assign our own meaning to these tears. Tears of joy! The child is relieved! They got the family they always wanted! This might be true. From working with children adopted from foster care, I’ve learned they also might be terrified about what will come next. They may be wondering if they will be able to see their biological siblings after they’re adopted. They may be beginning the mourning process of no longer (legally) being the children of the parents they were born to and who raised them for much of their lives. Likely, they are feeling parts of all of these things at once, and when you feel all of that at once, what is there to do but cry?
This moment is so intense, and in my eyes, so deeply personal to the child, that filming it seems invasive and unfair. It also seems to demand that the adoptee perform the uncomplicated narrative we’ve assigned to their experience. I wonder what would happen if we had this conversation in private, and encouraged the child to lean into and explore all the complicated feelings that come with this change?
Working in adoption taught me so much about allowing space for complicated and often contradicting feelings and narratives. I tend to be skeptical of overly simple narratives about anything, because feelings and relationships are nuanced and ever changing. We almost always feel more than one way about something or someone. There’s tremendous wisdom and therapeutic value in allowing for those contradictions. It gives us space to breathe.
If you are interested in learning more about the adoption experience, I encourage you to seek out adoptees that are telling their own story. Historically, the adoption space has been dominated by adoptive parents with little input from adoptees, and even less input from birth families (or first families). I am not adopted. I am hoping to bring your attention to the wisdom of adoptees, and then send you their way. Below are some adopted writers and speakers I have been lucky enough to work with in educating and supporting adoptive families: